I'm no stranger to depression; I was first diagnosed with clinical depression when I was 17. At the time, I was prescribed Trazadone, which only worsened my symptoms and led me to tackle the illness on my own after frustrations with the medical system. I did well for awhile, but I've become dependent on forms of self-soothing such as hair pulling.
The past few years I've struggled a great deal with depression, anxiety and trichotillomania. After attempting counselling for a year without significant improvement, I decided I wanted to add medication to my treatment. I wasn't prepared for the amount of resistance I'd face from multiple doctors, who were unwilling to put me on anything but Trazadone again.
"Well you seem to be aware of your issues and anxieties, just keep wearing that hat."
"It's too bad Trazadone didn't work for you. I had a lot of success with it, personally."
"You know...a lot of these anti-depressants are really just placebos. I'm convinced the reason Trazadone didn't work for you was due to you preconceived notion that it wouldn't work."
"I don't feel like I know you well enough to prescribe you anything other than Trazadone or a sleep aid."
"You're already seeing a counsellor? Good. You're on the right track. Keep seeing them and maybe wait it out a little longer. Try to get more sleep and exercise and things should improve."
"Your anxiety and depression can't be that bad. Your head is covered in beautiful hair, you clearly don't have a problem with pulling it out."
"I suggest you make another appointment with us in a few weeks and then we can consider filling out a mental health evaluation. And remember Amanda, it does get better."
This story does have a silver lining: an old physician of mine returned to the clinic and was willing to put me on medication. A quick 20-minute mental health evaluation revealed high scores for depression and anxiety.
To anyone out there who has become frustrated from fighting for their wellbeing, keep pushing.
Labels: Rants, Reflection